Dearest ACT

When was the last time we talked, truly talked? Not just hello, have a good day, until next time. Do we try only to find we can no longer pull our thoughts together? It's been so long without you. There isn't ever enough time for you and me. So much to say, so much heart and soul that gets lost in the shuffle, in the silence between us. This year has taken so much from us...

If I was a country away I would have boarded the soonest plane leaving to get to you, I would have driven across the state, I would have run down your dirt road in my pajamas - just to sit beside you and let you cry on my shoulder. Nothing would have stopped me from being there for you. Even if it was only for a moment. I would have found you. You mean more to me than you will ever understand. Today, I needed you to find me, just for a moment, and hold me like you would never let go. All I needed to hear was you say everything is going to be okay. You used to. Just like you used to.

Our conversations seem to have staled a little, or, maybe alot. I can't fully tell. The passion is just, less. The silence is just, more. I understand your choice, you couldn't have made a better one. But for me, it's every raw memory and every awful ache and every uncertainty I waged war against this year - it's losing you. Again. It's my vulnerabilities and my insecurities coming out in full force. This eerily familiar numbness takes hold, until it's merely the motions functioning. I'm running hard right now. Emotionally, mentally - I'm not sure what part of me is running. I just know I'm running - to you, away from you, away from myself.

I want to hug you, hold you, laugh with you, cry with you, argue with you just so we can make up, then do it all over again. But your life isn't designed to be mine. I don't know what you want, or what you need, except a silence and this distance more and more, that is tearing me apart. If you had asked - I would have found you, and I would have never let you go. 

Not in one hundred lifetimes...