Another year arrived without you. And I've needed you so much this year. I constantly find myself wishing to rewind the hourglass, for one more day when you hold me without letting go. Though dandelions do not grow in the winter, and so, such a wish was not meant to be. I am deeply grateful for the time we had. But then, the quiet that inevitably followed, has become bittersweet.
Laying awake at night, I listen to those soft sighs my daughter makes as she dreams. Her long eyelashes brush gently against little apple blossom cheeks. And a smile appears every once in a while. I wonder if she remembers the touch of Heaven; what was whispered in her ear as she was so beautifully made. Lullabies only she can hear. When she cannot sleep, I place her next to me, snuggling in close. Often she brings her delicate fingertips to rest upon my lips or nose, and those bright hazel eyes roam my face. She is lost in wonder, and the sweet innocence pulls me in. All of a sudden, I am part of a moment so much bigger than my own mere existence.
That is when, I think of you...
Your words resonate within me. Masterpieces now written across my skin. You struggled so to stay, and it breaks my heart still. I don't have all the answers, in fact, I have none. Although, a while ago, you were the one who taught me about hope. I have come to understand that hope happens in the absence of answers. Every day I am reminded to never take this life for granted. A life that unexpectedly held these moments of magic so real, so mesmerizing, so amazingly kind. Moments that time is slowly taking with it, as the months are turning to years. You will always feel like home to me.
More often than not, faith comes to us in the most unexpected of ways. Much as a compass connects to the strongest magnetic pull, and toward that direction it turns; a wildflower notices where there is a need for beauty, and thus it grows. I believe we choose how faith blooms, in essence, because we are the living testament to its everlasting presence.
We adjust our sails to navigate this course away. And yet, I am drawn back to the memories of you. My thoughts never wandering far. Heart and soul, I miss you. You will forever be the quiet beginning to every story, a story I now get to write this eternity through. That same compass comes with one simple hope. Hope that you will always find your way back home.
Five years - how can that be?
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